A few years ago, I quit my job. I finally realized that I was trying to fit a mold that I would never fit. In my drive to check all the boxes and do the “right thing,” I had left my True Self behind. After I had my first baby I started experiencing anxiety. It manifested as a strange constant nervousness that was always lingering in the background of my mind and body. I tried to treat it with typical “self-care” approaches like vacations and massages. But the lingering anxiety was still there, like the constant white noise to my life. One day, I suddenly realized that I was letting “monkey mind” run my life. No wonder I was feeling so anxious and unsettled. I was fully believing all of my mind’s stories about what I needed to do to be successful and to be good enough (a list with no end). I had so lost sight of my own real sense of self that I took a personality test and the results read exactly like my husband’s personality, not my own. 

I resolved to get back to who I am without outside influence. What do I genuinely like? What do I actually not like, but am forcing myself to “like” because I think I should? I was quickly steered back to my spiritual life. Spiritual life was deeply important to me up through college. I spent a year in India and Nepal studying Tibetan Buddhism. I majored in religion and wrote my senior thesis on the role of ritual in Hinduism. I did a 200 hour yoga teacher training in my last year of college. 

I started doing small things to turn the ship, not knowing where it would lead me. I dug up my old Sanskrit text books from college. I created a Buddhist style altar in our guest room with all the things I’d brought back from my travels in India. I started getting up 15 minutes earlier in the morning to sit in front of the altar and meditate, or even just lie on the floor and breath, or read one of the Buddhist prayer books I’d kept. I read Martha Beck’s books Expecting Adam and Finding Your Own North Star. These two books changed everything for me. They illuminated how I had abandoned my Essential Self and let my Social Self completely take over. The result: a life that looked good on the outside but felt anxious and incomplete on the inside. My small steps to reconnect are what started to breathe life back into my spirit and give me clarity on what I needed to do.

The following year, I left my job, got pregnant and gave birth to our second baby. In that year, while pregnant, I stayed in my house and I rested, a lot. I slowed my entire life way down. I started regularly going to full moon Goddess circles (thanks to A Goddess Mama) . This year of introspection and slowness allowed me to unearth my true interests that I had abandoned years ago. This period of time and work is what led me to become a life coach. 

I can’t tell you how much better I feel now compared to when I was forcing it. My goal as a coach is to help women get back to themselves. To feel hopeful and energized instead of depleted and resentful. To create a life that feels as good as it looks. I promise this work is worth it.